"We Don't Have Anything for That Here!"

I spent 5 days in the hospital this past week, and had a very unique exprience that still causes me some confusion, but which was also a very unique blessing.

After 3 days of pretty horrible pain and nausea, I was finally coming around to being a human again. I was loaded with all kind of meds; my arm looked like a pin cushion with all the needles stuck in it. And then this very unusual (funny?) thing happened.

I was lying there, talking with my daughter, and I closed my eyes to rest them for a moment. To my astonishment, with my eyes closed, I began to see pictures of people and things floating toward me. It was like there was a small camera on my eyeball, floating this way and that, and taking those pictures.

They were tiny pictures of the faces of persons, mostly male, and one and then another would move aggressively toward me. I couldn't dodge them; they frightened me with their obsessive movement.

I tried to look away (all this with eyes closed, remember) but they kept on coming back, bombarding me with their moving faces. At first, the faces were just plain people, but then they became grotesque and twisted, mouths slashed, eyes bulging, and terrible diseased spots scattered on them.

All this was happening in the space of maybe 30 seconds because I almost immediately opened my eyes and the faces went away. My heart was beginning to pound a bit now. Just to be sure that it was a momentary thing I shut my eyes again, waited a second, and there they were - back again!

Now I was becoming panicky. I hesitated to say anything to Mary, but she understands me pretty well and I thought she would believe me if I told her what was happening. So I told her and she said, "Well, gosh, Mom, that's strange."

I kinda shrugged, feeling pretty stupid, and determinedly kept my eyes open. When Mary was leaving, I shut my eyes very quickly, just to check, and, dang it. the pictures were back. But I decided to act like an adult and let Mary go without worrying her.

That was a mistake. After she left, I frantically shut my eyes again and again and there the pictures were, dancing up and down, moving fast and hatefully toward me. By now, I was frantic. I couldn't keep on doing this, shutting my eyes and then having to pop them open to ward off thedse grotesque, frightening, obsessive person pictures. I had to be able to sleep!

So I called the nurse, who just happened to be a large, black woman, very professional and very assured, and told her what was happening. At first, she just didn't say anything, but I kept on ranting about the terrible thing that was happening to me. She listened a few seconds longer , then started moving deliberately toward the door and said, "We don't have anything here to take care of that." I know she thought I was crazy.

This is all funny now, but then it was the most terrifying, horrible, frightening experience I have ever had. In desperation, after struggling another 30 minutes with the same thing happening every time I closed my eyes, I called her back and asked for a pain shot. She gave it to me and I fell asleep.

Two hours later, I woke up. The pictures were back, and now the machine feeding the tubes into my arm was making a strange sound. It was very rhythmically saying, "Attack, attack, attack" each time a drop in the I.V. hit the bottom of the bottle. (You can laugh now, because it sounds so ridiculous) but I was almost hysterical . Was I going insane? Did I have a fatal disease? Would I become a specimen for medical science to ponder over?

It was the closest I've come in a long time to completely "losing it." I wished for Mary, I wished for Bill, I wished for Mark, I wished for anyone who could help me, but I was all by myself .

But not completely.

In a moment of utter despair, desperation, confusion, fear overwhelming
me, I called out to God for help. And He was there, calming me, warming me, and loving me.

The pictures didn't stop, but I was calmer, able to think coherently and realize that what was happening could be from my cataract eye distorting things, or an effect of the many meds.

So I called the nurse back. I was determined to ask her if she heard the machine saying "Attack, attack, attack" and if she didn't, I knew I was in big trouble. Very carefully I asked her: "Do you hear the noise that machine is making?"

To my great relief, she said, "Oh yes, it's a faulty machine and has always made strange noises, which change from time to time." I was so happy to have her confirm that I wasn't really "going 'round the bend."

So there it is: my strange, weird, unaccountable experience. By the time I left hospital on Tuesday, all the pictures were gone, I was sleeping well, and the nightmare was over.

So why write all this? Remember the title, "We don't have anything for something like that?" Well, she is right; science doesn't have an answer to such experiences. But the spiritual world does have an answer for us, and it is God.

Peace and love from a grateful believer.

Back in Grapevine

We are back in Grapevine after a marvelous 5 weeks with Alice Lynn and family in BHam. So much fun being with the kids who are rapidly growing into teenage-adults. If Bill and I haven't accomplished much of anything else, we sure enough done good with having 3 children who have managed to become pretty marvelous adults --- and have given us 7 Practically Perfect Grandchildren!!

The plane trip home was a good one -- pleasant people helped us get on the plane, the air was smooth and the flight was fast. It was good to see Mary Anne waiting at the luggage place for us.

Good news on the dog scene. I had Barney overnight and got to love on him a lot; let him sleep with me, and we got up together to go potty. He is such a sweet, cute dog, and he will forever be my First Love. But then this darling little girl Shih Tsu has become our new pet. She is white with brown spots, beautiful brown eyes, and loves to cuddle like a baby!!!
We got her from a Vet whose wife is a student of Mary Anne's. And I am sure I will be in love with her also. It may seem stupid for me to take on one more responsibility, but, hey, what can I say?

I can't come up with a name for her - yet. Any suggestions? Yeah, Mark, I plan to make her second name Bruno. Something like Daisy Bruno?? or Carly Bruno? 'Course I will call her Daisy B.., or Carly B. or Whatever B., doncha know????

The wild presidential election is over and I am glad. I am also optimistic that President Obama will do well. I will pray for him as he assumes an awe-full responsibility to lead our country toward healing and health in so many troubling areas.

I hope to do some more writing for my own pleasure. I love the shape, form, sound, sense, intelligence, of WORDS, and I love trying to use them to express my thoughts, dreams, memories, hopes, and faith. One of the most profound statements about the power of the Word is found in John's gospel -- "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." --- and then the greatest miracle of all: "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us."

Goodnight and God bless!

Now Hear This

The buzz word for what is happening now seems to be "change." We hear it in differing forms: "We can change," "We will change," "Change is now." And since everyone in the USof A is urged to follow blithely down the road of "Change," I would like to make a few suggestions of change that I would especially like to find in the life of one Voter (me) whose vote is supposed to count for everything, and which I think did count in our recent presidential election.

I voted. I expressed my choice for President. And now we have a New President and a New Congress, and these are the things I would like to see changed by them -- in my lifetime -- in my lifestyle--- in my finances -- and right now!!!

And be clear about this: I want all these things in MY LIFE, which means I'm not really very concerned about YOUR Life, which sounds very self-serving and egocentric, and to be honest, that is what it is!!!

1. I want peace in this world, beginning here in America, extending to Iraq, where I want peace to prevail and I want it RIGHT NOW. That means to pull our soldiers , who have been bleeding and dying in Iraq for 6 years, back to USA so they can become part of the diminishing armed forces that need to be cut in order for more important programs to be financed by our government. We really do need to take care of the conservation of the Great White Hoot Owl in Governor Palin's North Western Part of Alaska. You know, that area that is just "right over there" from Russia. Think of the great impact that kind of compassion will have on our relations with Putin and Mother Russia! They will truly love us for it!! There will be no further need for our President to have to sit down with Putin and talk about how much he admires the Russian ethic of hard work on nuclear plants, and how much we Americans want to be "their buddies."

2. And since I am one of the many Americans who make less than $250,000 a year, I want my taxes cut --- or better still -- I want them eliminated completely. I'm not concerned about capital gains tax cuts , since I don't make enough money to worry about that. All I have to pay is income tax, sales tax, death tax, cigarette and booze tax, school tax, police and firemen's tax, trash hauling tax, gasoline tax, repairmen's tax, utilities tax, cable tax, telephone tax, dental and doctor's tax (so they can make a decent living), and church tax (we call that "tithing.") I'm sure there are some hidden taxes that I'm not even aware of, but the federal government will surely take care of those for me so I can be a happy and contented, and my psyche will be in such good shape that I won't be critical of anything or anyone! That means there will be no flack from me directed at our Leaders In Washington!!! No sir-eee---not from me.

Please start with removing my income tax. After all, my husband and I both worked for sixty years, saved, scrimped, did without, and paid taxes faithfully into Social Security in order to have a really splendid income of $7,000 a month (because we funded an IRA and a Savings Account in addition to SS taxes). We managed to buy and pay for a home and two cars on the way, and didn't accumulate anything on our credit cards that could not be paid off at the end of the month. Sounds peachy, doesn't it???? BUT we still have $600.00 a month drawn out of our retirement account (which goes to the Government's Coffer) so that we will not have to borrow money to pay our income tax at the end of the year.

And so, if you eliminate THAT income tax, I promise I will spend the $600.00 each month and thereby guarantee that the economy will get such a boost that our financial quandary will be solved. Oh, by the way, since it is MY money to spend, I will send $300.00 to my M.D. nephew in China so he can minister to sick and dying Chinese and whisper to them the gospel hope of life eternal; I will increase my gift to World Missions to $200.00 to support another young person in Africa so that now TWO people will have a chance at life. That leaves me a hundred bucks to waste on books, movies, gifts to grandchildren, and a special box of chocolates for JUST ME. I hope this wild and carefree spending on my part will satisfy the idealogues who are so anxious to bail out all our financial establishments who have been led down the path of bankruptcy by corruption, greed, and irresponsibility.

3. And while we are talking, in addition to cutting taxes for me, please let the government take immediate action to CUT the cost of living expenses drastically. That means cut the cost of groceries, clothing, medicine, gasoline, doctor's and dentist bills, repair for cars, houses, lawns, insurance, new TVs, and Miscellaneous Things (anything that I have to pay for that I haven't mentioned will fall under this umbrella.)

4. I think that is about all I need right now. But be sure, if other needs arise, I will look to YOU, The Federal Government, to come to my rescue. I don't want to be coy, but "You promised, you promised. ' Remember? Remember?

5. Now, you (the Government: President, Congress, et. al) have my blessing! Do anything you want to do to make our country great, rich, powerful, and pleasing to the rest of the world. I'm all for it; I'm right behind you!!

What was that? What did you say? How will all of this be paid for? Oh, that's so simple. NAIL THE RICH FOLKS!!! Call on Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, all the rich CEOs and NFL Football players, and particularly the Movie Stars, and anyone else that makes over $250,000 a year. Let 'em keep their $250,000 and "eat cake." Worked in France, so why not here.

P.S. I'm not available for any Cabinet Post, any Departmental Position in D.C. I've got more important things to do: like sitting in my lounging chair and reading books --- and eating my box of chocolates.

Idiosyncratic Antics of Aged People

Know any Aged Persons who sometimes DO or SAY strange things? You've probably wondered where All That is coming from? Well, it's because a special, peculiar idiosyncrasy just kicked in and they do anything but respond to that peculiar THING; They just can't help themselves!! So it's no good to look at them censoriously or embarrasedly or aghastly -- just go with the flow.

To help you understand what some of these idiosyncrasies are and how they play out in real life here 1s a partial list of them:


1. They are subject to a sudden change in health.
Your Mom wakes up at 5 a.m., calls and says "I hurt all over; I think I am dying, the Good Lord is about to call me home."
You rush over, try to do something, but she prefers just to "lie here a little while" and do nothing.
You happen to see her drive by your house about noon. Call frantically on the cell phone. She says, "Oh, I feel great; Mildred called for me to meet her at lunch."

2. They are subject to a sudden change in mood.
You stop by and your Mom is huddled in an old robe in a fetal position on the couch with all the lights turned off. "What's wrong, Mom?" "I'm having a nervous breakdown; there's no hope for me." You can't give her an electric shock treatment as you would like to, so you go home, worried and upset.
You call at noon. She says brightly, "I'm going to play tennis, my pal the Aged Doctor just called." She giggles like a teenager.

3. Aged People also LIE (fib, prevaricate,stretch-the-truth) A LOT.
A. To their Doctor. "No, I don't have any chest pains,(no open heart surgery for me! No, nothing is changed with my eating habits (No colonoscopy in the offing) ), No, I don't have any trouble breathing, either (No MRI for me.)
"Why am I in your office?" "I've got a little itch in an embarrassing place, Doctor, that's all."

B. To their Opthalmologist. "Yes, I know I have a cataract, but with these new glasses I see quite well." (Nobody is going to poke AROUND in my eyeball if I can help it.)

C. To their Financial Advisor. "No, I don't have a budget; that indicates that you are too concerned about money, and I just trust the Lord to take care of me.

D. To their children. "I understand what you are doing, and it is all right." "Yes, your children are well mannered, well disciplined, really good kids." "No, it really doesn't matter how you spend your money, or if you save any at all." "Yes, I know you are a Baby Boomer and your Group is going to rule the world much better than us WW2 old mossbacks."

E. To their grandchildren. "Yes, I really like the large brass ring in your nose; it sets you off from everybody else." "Yes, your long purple hair is provocative -- in a nice way." "I understand that you are smarter than anyone else in the world --particularly smarter than your parents, or your doddering old grandparents."

F. To their own friends. "I don't feel a day over sixty."
"My children are so concerned about my welfare; I can hardly get away from them." "Oh, we still do a LOT OF THINGS together. "Yes, we are still madly in love; he/she is so thoughtful about anniversary/birthday/other important events." "Of course NOT, I would never think of leaving him/her."


Aged People are also prone to strange physical idiosyncrises:

1. They don't walk. They wobble, stagger, weave back and forth, take tiny, tiny scooting steps, step high when they are going down, step low when they are heading up.

2. They can't talk very well. Their voices are cracked, they mumble, they can't remember simple words, and if they try to sing, it's a disaster beyond belief.

3. They fall asleep at unexpected times --- like when you are talking to them. Or they stay awake all night, remembering things they did 50 years ago.

4. They don't really like to eat much anymore. Probably because everything tastes mostly like buttered cardboard, or looks like squishy goop.

5. They can't drink anyhing alcoholic because --- they already wobble, stagger, weave, etc.etc.


So what is one to do with AGED PERSONS? How about just loving them, crazy as they are; laughing with them, not at them; seeing something spiritual in them and celebrating that.

Life is mostly good, mostly fun, mostly happy, mostly challenging, mostly rewarding. Enjoy it because one day you, too, will be an AGED PERSON, and ------------------------------.

Who's Minding the Store?

I decided I'd better get another blog in or my mind will deteriorate from old age and I won't be able to compose anything of any value -- that is, if I ever do!

With all the excitement of the stock market plunge and the attendant inability of Congress to put together some kind of relief package, I guess my question is "Who's minding the store?" I know this is a very unusual event happening in our country, but, My Gawd, aren't there any intelligent and willing people in our whole country to try and help with the problem? I donno.

I'm sure not happy with all that is happening to our tax money (and our small Smith-Barney account) but I can't get too upset about the whole thing. The Republic has withstood some terrible things in the past, and has survived and I think we will eventually get through this mess.

One advantage that an old person like me (and Bill) is that we have lived through a depression, several wars, social revolutions like the Hippy Movement, the freeing of women from old stereotypes, the acceptance of our black society as a part of our great society, along with the gradual slippy slide downward in our moral standards. Surely, after all that time and experience, we should have some wisdom accumulated from the ride.

Problem is -- who cares?

On to more mundane things: We are so excited about getting another trip to Birmingham next week. We so enjoy being with the Elgins, especially Alex, Alaina, Olivia and Curry. The rejuvenate us with their liveliness, their enthusiasm, their love. It's really great being a grandparent!

And when we get back to Grapevine, one of my first jobs is to find us another Barney to keep us company. WE both have missed that silly little dog romping around and demanding attention. So Mary Anne will have her hands full taking me to kennels to find just the right dog for us!!!

One other thing: I have so appreciated how the SS class at our church has taken us in and become our friends. Honestly, these folks are so great that missing our friends at OKC has faded into the background. It's amazing how the tie of Christian faith binds people together so quickly and so lovingly.

We are getting a land phone on Monday so that Bill will have a quick connection to keep up with me. He has trouble handling the cell phone with its tiny details and this will make him feel more secure if he can check on me by phone whenever he wants to. And it's great fun that I can be out flitting around and not having to worry about getting home at any specific time.

JUST IN CASE YOU ALL HAVEN'T NOTICED ----- Your Mom, Grandma, (whatever) is pretty much a Free Spirit these days, and having a grand time being one. After one is 84 years old (M.C. age) why not do whatever the heck -one wants to do???

(M.C. age - Grandma's age determined by Marie/Curry calculation)

Enough! Peace and Love.

Is It Too Much To Ask?

This has been a puzzling and thought-provoking day for me. We had coffee with Mark and Kim this morning, and that was fun and pleasant, as it always is. But this afternoon, for some peculiar reason, a foolish phrase has been running through my mind. (Nothing to do with the morning coffee chatter, honestly.)

And I feel impelled to write about it; I can't get it out of my mind.

Here is the phrase, "Is it too much to ask ..........? To ask whom? Well, just to get the discussion going, put in "the Fates," "the quirky gods of the universe," "blind Chance," the One True God, or anyone or anything else that we poor human beings think is in control of human affairs.

Got that? Now, let's complete the phrase with some grand hypothetical questions. Such as, "is it too much to ask
that starving children in Africa might somehow be fed? Is it too much to ask that a friend painfully dying with terminal cancer be released from agony? Is it too much to ask that a hearbroken parent might find some kind of comfort when he/she can do nothing to stop a child from destruction?

Are these grandiose questions too heavy? Then how about some simple ones?

Is it too much to ask that a frightened child might find comfort in the arms of a sensitive parent?

Is it too much to ask that a middle-aged Mom might find assurance in her heart that all will be well with her teenager?

Is it too much to ask that an Aged Person might feel compassionate love from unexpected sources?

Is it too much to ask that Someone might find unusual kindness from just an acquaintance or friend?

If you happen to be a pessimist or a melancholy person (as I sometimes am) you would answer "Yes, it is too much to ask. Life is not going to give you reasonable answers to these questions that crowd uncomfortably in your heart.

If you are an optimist or a person of faith (as I sometimes am), you would answer, "No, it is not too much to ask," and I will patiently wait for some kind of reasonable response from somewhere in the universe that will give me hope.


Well, that's the phrase that has been bedeviling my thoughts all day. And do you want to know the cause for this quandary, this morass of twisted thinking, this philosophical mismash of nonsensical questions?

Here it is: "Is it too much to ask that an eighty-six year old woman might have a small, frisky, and hellish little dog to keep and love and fret over?"

And the answer is, "Yes, it is too much to ask."

And I am sad. And I am lonely. And I don't understand.

Giving Up Barney

I'm having a terrible time giving up our dog, Barney. And I thought writing about it might help, but I don't know.

Mark got a home for him this morning, very quickly, and at first I was elated because it sound like he has a great home and will be happy there, and all the problems we were having with him will be gone.

But I have spent most of the afternoon crying about what has happened. We got the little stinker when he was a puppy and i went through all that agonizing time of trying to teach him to poop and pee outside, and then trying to fit him into our routine so that he would be our pet, and during the process I fell in love with him.

And now he is gone, and I am very sad.

I know that he had to go. We couldn't handle him so that he would not bite Bill and that was too dangerous and too devastating for Bill to handle. And I was nervous as a cat, trying to intervene and keep Barney away from Bill. So I know intellectually that all that has happened was for our good and ultimately, I hope, for Barney's good. I know that, but my emotions don't seem to jibe with my intellect, and so this sadness grips me.

I will get over the loss, I guess, and life will go on. But I have a lump in my throat still, and I don't know when it will go away permanently.

I realize that Barney is just a dog, and that he will be fine with other people who will fall in love with him as I did.

But right now, there is an ache in my heart, and a loneliness for something that was and now is no more.

I have no philosophical explanation that will help, no intellectualism that will lessen the sadness, no insight that will make things better, only a dull sense of despair and unexplainable ennui.

And I am sad.

Life is what it is, and sometimes it is . . . . . . . . . . . . .