INSOMNIA

" . . . he would go home to his room. He would lie in the bed and finally, with daylight, he would go to sleep. After all, he said to himself, it is probably only insomnia. Many must have it." So ends Hemingway's famous short story, "A Clean, Well Lighted Place."

Many do have it. Who has not lain awake at night struggling to go to sleep? Who has not awakened in the dead of night, wide-eyed and unable to go back to sleep? We all have. The reasons for our having insomnia are probably as diverse and complex as each of us is, so I am not as much concerned about analyzing why we are victims of insomnia as I am with trying to decide how to deal positively with it.

What to do about it? Well, first of all, don't panic! That is what I used to do --always. I looked at the clock. It was 2:00 a.m. and then 3:00 a.m. and I knew I had to be awake at 6:00 a.m. I thrashed and turned and twisted and desperately tried to force myself to "go to sleep." Never worked. Simply got me into a worse state with tightened muscles and stiff lips.

So I began to think about what else I could do. First, I decided to relax."So it is 2:00 a.m. So what? Tomorrow at this time it will be 2:00 a.m. again, and I will probably be sleeping like a baby." That's a comforting thought and helps me be more philosophical about this immediate situation.

As I try to be creative, various remedies suggested by other people ramble through my mind and are discarded, one by one. Warm milk? No, thanks. Something to eat? Not hungry. Hot cuppa tea with chamomile? Ugh!

But, over time, here are two things I have tried that did work for me.

One: I get out of bed, shrug into a comfortable robe, and, depending on the season of the year I sit down somewhere. In the springtime, I slip outside on to the patio. I look up in the clear spring night at the moon radiating a soft glow over trees and shrubs, throwing interesting shadows around the area, pull up a comfortable lawn chair, and sit there. Just sit there. I sit for a considerable period of time and just let my thoughts flow over and around me. I don't worry trying to sort things out, or find solutions to problems, or do anything. I just sit there,enjoying the aloneness, the quietness, the beauty of the night.

In the winter I sit in my comfortable bedroom chair. And I do the same thing: I just sit. I let my thoughts go where they will. Sometimes my mind flits into the past and I think of lovely things that have happened to me. Occasionally, I wonder about the future, but not for long. The present is much more interesting. Sometimes I talk to God about friends or situations that concern me, or better still, I just talk to God.

The second thing? Well, this is a tricky one and I use it only very, very seldom because it involves another person, and that person must be a very special friend. And it can only be used for "early night insomnia." Never try it after midnight!

But if I am awake at twelve o'clock, this is what I have occasionally done in the past. I call this Very Special Friend and the conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: "Hi, Agnes, are you awake?

Her: "I am now, the phone just rang and woke me up."

Me: "Oh, yeah.(Pause) Well, I'm okay; no serious problem here."

Her: "I see." (an annoyed voice) "You just felt the need to call someone at midnight?

Me: "Not just someone, Agnes, YOU. You are my special friend, y'know."

Her: "Oh, yeah! (slighty mollified tone) Well, then just tell me why you called this Special Friend.

Me: "I can't sleep, and (hurridly) I justneedsomeonetotalkto."

Her: "Okay, okay, let's Talk, Friend."

And we did. For about 45 minutes. Then she hung up.

And I felt marvelous. Actually, I don't remember much about what we had talked about, but the end result was that I was happy and relaxed and I flopped over and was asleep in five minutes.

So. What about Insomnia? What about Sleep?

Both are a part of our human experience, and we can use both of these phenomena to our advantage. Can't sleep? Use the time to think and enrich your mind, to be thankful and enrich your spirit, to meditate and marvel at the life you have been given. Can sleep? Be grateful and enjoy it!!!

Bits and Piecers

I have decided I will write more blogs this year. I am doing it just for myself because I enjoy writing and trying to express some of the ideas that roll in and out of my brain periodically. Some thoughts are fairly inane (how cute my pet dog is), or more thoughtful, (how lucky I was to get this cute dog) or more profound, (did God have something to do with my getting this cute, loveable dog?)

What I like to do is set up questions or make comments or present arguments or just "get something off my chest" by writing about it. There is something theraupetic for me about "writing down the word."

Here are some questions I would like to discuss with myself: What kind of a God do I believe in? Why do I find it easier to like, even love, people of all kinds now than I used to? How do I make meaningful the limited time I have left in the world? (This is not a morbid thought; it is a realistic one) Why do some people have such horrible, tragic lives, while others are so obviously blessed with good lives? What are some things that make me really, really, angry? How do I walk the narrow line between being controlled by a desire to make people like me, and the
desire to be just who I am, warts and all?

I could go on and on, and probably will as long as I have the mind and physical strength to get to the computer and expound.

Okay? Okay. Now how about them dreams I have been having? I seem to have dreams all alike coming in clusters and lasting for a long period of time. Only 4 years ago up until about this past year, I constantly had nightmare dreams of someone trying to kill me. I would wake up Bill with my frenzied screaming as a monster person was slashing at me with a huge knife. Sometimes I was in my house, trying frantically to close all doors and windows before the destroyer (sometimes the Mafia) got to me. I could never make the house safe; I was always about to be killed.

Then this past year I have been dreaming that I am back in college, trying to get to my class before the students leave, and i laboriously plod along, not even sure where my classroom is, until, exhausted and worn, I get there and all the students are gone. Or I am back in grad school, and I am heading for an exam and I have never opened the textbook to study.

It is getting crazier. Last night I dreamed I had a part in a play that was to be presented to a large audience. I had NOT read the play, I COULD not move my legs and arms to get me moving toward the theatre, some good folks came for me and got my clothes ready for me to put on, which I was barely able to do and while I was telling them that I had no idea of what I was supposed to say. They gave me a printed copy of my dialog, pushed me on toward the theatre, but as I tried desperately to walk, my shoes were coming apart and the printed manuscript had dissolved into ashes. I got there, desperate and hurting all over, and decided since I had no idea of what to say I would just act like "an idiot old woman" and hope for the best. THEN I WOKE UP. Now just figure that one out, if you can.

P.S. My Christian friends remind me that God uses dreams in the Bible to get his message to human beings. If that is true today then would you like to know my conclusion to the whole matter? Simple. "I ain't no human being. I must be an alien who wandered in from outer space."

That's it, folks. Goodnite and pleasant dreams?